MEPHEDRONE IN CHINA

I met Sun on West Street in Yangshuo. It’s the main shopping street in this mountainous tourist trap and Sun was perched on an impractically tiny stool behind a towering stall, covered in tarpaulin. He must have seen me through a periscope because he jumped to his feet. He held out his fist and, admiring his effort, I shook his clenched hand. Our conversation began as mine normally do here; a mispronounced introduction in Chinese, a la teenage internet chat room dating. ‘Tom. 18. English.’

He was a lovely chap! I’m going on a hike today, Sun. Such beautiful mountains in Yangshou! So beautiful they’re on the back of this 20 yuan note, see? No, give it back.

So I went to the caves yesterday. Ah! This was my cue. I whipped out The Cave Pic.

The Cave Pic is a photograph of me and 6 other English guys standing in a mud cave. A laminated, wipe-clean picture of 7 half-naked teenagers splashing around in a knee-deep pool of exfoliating mud. Oh yeah. The squaresquares go mad for the Cave Pic and Sun was no exception. Any way, what do you sell here Sun?

“Do you want Miaow?”

No! Had the status of mephedrone reached the dizzy heights of the Yangshuo mountains!? No, I bloody well don’t Sun and neither should you - it’s illegal now don’t you know? I can still hear Hattie Harman harping on, craning her pre-historic neck through her brother-in-laws new loft-extension’s window. It ain’t safe and, now, it ain’t legal.

You don’t want to do it, Sun. I’ve seen them, squatting in the corners of nightclubs like defecating gremlins as they chew their teeth to talcum powder. You can spot them a mile off, Sun, eyes as wide as their future mono-nostril. You don’t want to join the motor-mouth brigade, chattering away in a one-man tournament of Just A Minute (with flagrant disregard for the rule of no repetition.)

Miaow Miaow has become the new British pre-teen drug du jour, and was was recently in the papers a lot as it was banned by the government. This was newsworthy as the bearded bloke that disagreed with the Government was named after the Nutty Professor. Miaow also deserves special mention as Brighton’s third biggest export (after buy-to-let real estate and white-washed wooded furniture) but that’s a world away from Guangxi Province. Steer well clear, Sun.

A bit put-out, he pulled back the tarpaulin cover to show me his contraband wares.

He was selling plastic solar-powered cats. The Chinese ones which wave to give you good luck and money, high on nothing but the sun’s rays.

At least now he knows.